So today is Wednesday. I came home from work last night, stopping to pick up some spicy Thai noodles with tofu, and slumped down onto my post-modern sofa. I contemplated opening up the bottle of pinot noir I had just received in my wine club shipment, a quarterly reminder of just how drunk I got at my last wine country trip. I decided against the wine as I felt I would no doubt fall asleep face down in the noodles if I were to have even a glass. Christ I am a stereotypical liberal.
On the drive home I had been listening to John McCain’s speech on NPR. His lack of charisma pervades both the television and the radio and I could imagine him standing stiffly in front of a room of other Republicans, his face contorting from time to time in forced smiles and his arms never raising above his head. Side bar: if ever the term grin-fuck applied to anyone it is John McCain. I can see his pale face flaying open in that contrived smile he dons on political occassions and his jowls stiffen in a would-be happy face but underneath it all, virtually inaudible, is the ‘go fuck yourself’ message whispered for only angels to hear. He mechanically breaks out that smile any time a good ‘F you!’ would have sufficed. God bless that poor old man.
His speech was almost done about the time my trousers hit the sofa and the CNN punditry went frothing into their critique at his inability to give a speech. I don’t think he is all that bad, it is just not where the poor old man excels. The entire endeavor is exasperated when he is forced to go speech to speech with Obama, which we all knew was coming at some point. It reminded me of having to go watch my sister’s ballet recitals when we were younger. They would trot out the little kids who would flail about and almost keep a tempo, but they were mostly there to look cute, and justify their parents spending $50 a week, before we all got to see the graceful young women dance who had trained for years and were now very adept. McCain is not cute but he is clumsy and awkward in his speaking and you know he is just the opening act because Barack Obama will be at the podium at some point soon and McCain will just have to take his tutu and go home.
I listened to a few minutes of the punditry’s duncery and then I made my way to the kitchen, dumped the noodles into a bowl with some brown rice and threw my freshly pressed shirt onto the ottoman next to the coffee table.
Hillary Clinton soon came on as I was flipping back and forth between CNN’s coverage of the primaries and the Bobby Flay cooking show I had DVR’d at some point. Bobby was making bratwurst with lots of beer right about the time Hillary started making a speech with little concession. It was a tough call but I decided to watch Hillary and not Bobby. If he had been doing something besides brats he might have had me though.
I am not going to go into how she mangled her moment and missed an opportunity to seem like more than a power hungry politician who will not be denied what she thinks she is owed. It was a disgrace and her ongoing factually challenged claims of success do her no service. Her campaign may have effectively stained the legacies of Bill Clinton and Geraldine Ferraro and I am not sure if I will ever want to hear from either of those two again. As for that moment, when she is repeating the word ‘I’ over and over again – I, Jackson Wood, only wanted her to go away. Hillary – find some place without a camera and camp out there for a while and think about what you just did. Country before party, but party before candidate. (Update: I received some emails pointing out that my Cult of Obama post rails against the dangers of political parties. That is correct. I ran through a gamut of political ponderings in this primary season and did vacillate at times about what was best for our country, contradicting myself from time to time. It most often centered around respect for the process versus fear of another Bush-like administration.)
And then somewhere between the moment when I was certain I didn’t need a drink and the moment I remembered there were at least two shots of tequila left in the Patron bottle in the kitchen, Obama took the stage for what should have been his victory lap. There was a little excitement as I listened to him begin by thanking Clinton graciously. Barack needs to take a lesson on the grin-fuck from McCain.
Obama was eloquent. He was presidential. He said the right things and bore the right air of gravitas. He was generous with his praise and humble in his acceptance. In short, he was everything I was hoping he could be when I first volunteered for his campaign back in January.
That’s about the time I began to wonder if Then a question arose: Did I really effing care? Barack Obama just won the nomination. The man to whom I donated money and time. The candidate for whom I went door to door and spent my after-work hours managing a team of other volunteers who sometimes behaved as if they were twelve. The candidate I had read about and defended to family and friends back in Texas. The candidate whose campaign had slightly changed the trajectory of my own life. Now, in his moment of victory the whole thing seemed somewhat…anti-climactic.
Was it Hillary’s ‘Never say die‘ speech that had sucked the feeling of victory from out of my living room? Was it the uncertainty as to whether the campaign was actually ending? I am not sure. All I know is that I had this ‘You mean that’s it?’ moment – suddenly empathizing with my college girlfriend after all this time. Sorry Natasha – now I know.
I called my mom to talk about things but she was more interested in my upcoming travels and if she was ever going to meet this girl I have been talking about. My step-dad was a bit more in tune and felt Obama was finally vindicated in his quest and that Hillary was at last vanquished. As former GOP’ers they bore no love for the Clinton’s. But even my talk with him seemed a little stale.
I put down the phone and wandered back to my bedroom wondering if I effing cared.
I slept well last night, which was a first in a while. I have had so much going on that my mind stays up and running long after my body gives way to sleep. I woke up and thought about blogging but I was still plagued by this horrible feeling of ennui. I downed some black java and hopped in the shower.
People always come to me on days like today. Most of my friends and co-workers know I worked on the campaign and that I have been blogging for a while. In my old gig, which I just left a few weeks ago hence the sleepless nights, people would sometimes gather around to get my take or find out what was going on. As the campaign protracted out, I became somewhat negligent with keeping up. By the time Texas was wrapped up I realized I needed some of my life back and had to cut way back on the time I was spending volunteering.
I fell into a malaise with a lot of the rest of our party. I would check headlines and tune into some news here or there but I needed a goddam break. I had to stop blogging for a while and come up for air. I was worried I had lost some perspective.
I have blogged about the cult of Obama before. I was part of it. It is easy to fall into such group think when you are actively volunteering on a campaign, especially for a candidate as charismatic as Obama. People showered him with adulation all the time. I was part of that group, but I do have an inner-cynic who was entirely uncomfortable with the whole thing. There was a grating voice behind my zeal asking me if I was really buying into all this shit. I thought I was and then I realized I needed some time away.
It is dangerous to make people out to be greater than any person is capable of being, but we do it all the time. We most often do it with historical figures and then some wise historian will come along and remind us that Jefferson owned slaves or Truman was flatulent. This gives us pause to remember that none of us are perfect, even our heroes. Obama is certainly a hero and he is being adored as such, but I had to go through a period in which I reminded myself constantly that he was a man, just as I am, lest I set myself up to be disappointed. Or perhaps even worse, we can put too much faith in a person and surrender the necessary rational mind we need as the governed to question and think for ourselves. I did not want the left to commit the same sins of the right.
I briefly ventured away from politics and then I returned with a new vigor. Last night should have been a culmination of all those early energies but I found myself in the midst of another apathetic crisis. Worse was my lack of certainty of my apathy – was it apathy or some emotion that just wasn’t registering?
I spoke to my lady friend this evening and she asked me how I felt about Obama and his big win. (By the way, I only say ‘lady friend ‘ because that is what she recently used. I actually have no idea what the hell that means.) I had nothing very exciting to say. She said I seemed uninspired and she was correct. The whole thing had gone on so long I had fallen into a ‘wake me when it’s over’ state but I had not yet awakened. My only real comment to her was “I hope he’s worth it.”
I hope he is worth the time and effort so many people I respect and care about have put into it. I hope he is worth the faith we have put into him. I hope he is worth all that we have been through and may have risked and I hope he is up to the task.
Is it buyer’s remorse? No. I would not have voted differently and I would not have worked for anyone else’s campaign. It is just a moment to exhale and take it all in, surveying the landscape and realizing that this is the most important election of my voting life to date. I hope he is worth all we have done for him because he is our candidate and will be our President – a public servant of the American people.
I do care – I just need some time. Like all Americans, I have bills to pay and a career to mind and somewhere in there I have to make a life for myself and pursue my dreams. Sometimes these things have taken a back seat to Obama’s campaign and sometimes they have found their way back to the forefront. Now, with a little distance between me and the campaign, I have to relish his victory while working on victories of my own.
I believe he is worth it. I believe he deserves the chance to serve and deserves the efforts of all the good people I know who gave up parts of their life for him. And as I write this I am certain I do care, but it is a far cry from the zealous devotion I once had – and that is a good thing.
I think we all need a few moments. We need a chance to exhale and a break from talk of delegates and primaries. I will be ready for it all again, very soon, but for now I just want a couple of peaceful days to take it in and let it set. It just happened.
Do I effing care? Yeah, I just need a moment…maybe two.
June 5, 2008
Categories: Barack Obama, Democratic Primary, Democrats, Election, Hillary Clinton, Hillary Clinton will lose, John McCain, Politics, Presidential Race, debate . Tags: 2008 Democratic Convention, 2008 Democratic Primary, Barack Obama, Barack Obama for President, Clinton as Obama's VP, Clinton for VP, Delegate, Delegate Count, Delegate Math, delegates, Democrat, Democratic, Democratic Nomination, Democratic Nominee, Democratic Party, Democratic Party divided, Democratic Primary, Democratic Race, Democrats, Florida Democratic Primary, Florida Democrats, Hillary, Hillary and Obama, Hillary Clinton, Hillary Clinton 2012, Hillary Clinton for VP, Hillary Clinton is divisive, Hillary Clinton will lose, Hillary Clinton wins popular vote, Hillary for President, Hillary is Done, Hillary is winning the popular vote, Hillary Loses, Hillary losing, Hillary supporters vote for McCain, Hillary vs Obama, Hillary will lose, John McCain, McCain, Michigan Democratic Primary, Michigan Democrats, Montana primary, Obama, Obama as VP, Obama Clinton 08, Obama is a uniter, Obama Wins, Pledged Delegates, Political, Politics, popular vote, South Dakota Primary, speeches, Split Ticket, Texas, Thai, US Politics . Author: jackson . Comments: 3 Comments